As promised, here is my first "official" blog on Mixtape Atlanta. I, Kenny Bloggins, just experienced my first trip on The Rock Boat (their 10th year) and have collected some unique data whist on board. The cruise ship left from Tampa last Thursday headed for Cozumel and then turned around after a cold and rainy day to head back across choppy waters docking again in Tampa. Along the way, there were many musical acts that performed on the boat. From what I hear, a few of them were good.
I wouldn't know. I was having my own personal concert in my cabin courtesy of a group of towel animals. I guess snorting a week's worth of Dramamine and chasing it with some homemade grog wasn't one of my better decisions.
What I did learn was that there's a certain etiquette to be followed if one finds oneself aboard a cruise liner:
1. Don’t expect perfection. With today’s ships carrying three and four thousand people at a time, trust me, the experience is not going to be perfect for everyone. Your toilet may clog. Handles may fall off sliding doors. Tablemates are sometimes rude (my own children come to mind). Have a good attitude and the cruise will go a lot more smoothly.
2. Get some exercise. Fact: The elevators are going to be crowded around dinner and show times. A bunch of crabby people waiting for the elevators will only stir each other up even more; I saw it happen time and again. If you are physically able, why not walk off that crème brûlée and take the stairs — or maybe do a lap on the Promenade Deck.
3. Shut up. It is not necessary to slam your cabin door each time you enter and exit the cabin, and it is rude to do so at 3 a.m. (some passengers actually sleep — at night! — on a cruise). Close the door slowly and preserve some of the peace. Never been on a cruise? There are probably a hundred cabins within earshot of each slammed door.
4. Practice moderation. OK, it’s your vacation: Have fun and party on. But know your limits. No one likes a sloppy drunk, and the last thing you want to do is spend a night in the medical facility because you planted your ass through the glass coffee table. No one will convince me that excessive drinking is not a huge factor in all the recent "crimes" at sea.
5. Hide your loggins. We've all been there: out in public with a noticeable bulge in our crotchular region. No biggie fries. There's no need to become less engorged. Just have a satchel or man purse on your person at all times to cover up said “situation.”
6. Remember that you are a world traveler. You may hear others speaking a different or unfamiliar language. (No, it is not a foreign language; it may be foreign to you, but it is not foreign to millions of perfectly competent speakers). If an announcement needs to be made, it will likely be made in several languages; after all, people who speak a language other than yours have the same right to safety and information as you do. Do not demand that people accommodate you. It is all about compromise.
7. Be a good audience member. If you are tired, don’t sit in the front row. How demeaning is it to a performer who is giving his or her all to look out and see an audience member nodding off mid-performance? Now imagine the reaction if there is also a line of drool dribbling from the corner of your mouth. Not a pretty sight, although the photograph I took is a good conversation piece!
8. Stop whining. If something has gone wrong or you are unhappy, there is no need to drag a few thousand other people into your mess. There is a simple solution: Ask management to correct the problem. Whining just brings everyone down and — who knows? — your expectations may be way out of line. And another thing: There’s not much anyone can do about a cloudy day.
9. Dress for public view. If you wouldn’t walk into Wal-Mart wearing short shorts and a tube top, you probably shouldn’t wear them on vacation, either. Same with a thong. People come in all shapes and sizes, but most of us are not looking to become acquainted with your every bulge and curve.
10. Be generous. Tip. Our waitress on the cruise is paid $50 a month. Yes, you read that correctly! The rest of her income comes from gratuities. To the family in the cabins across from me: I heard you all making plans to order room service for 16 on the last night of the cruise so you could avoid having to tip in the dining room. Shame on you!
Well, that wraps it up. I hope this has been as helpful as annoying. Until next time (if ever again) - I've been Kenny Bloggins and you've been warned.
